WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what geopolitical analysts are calling “the most unhinged press briefing since the last one,” President Donald Trump assured a visibly nervous nation on Tuesday that the U.S. military’s blockade of the Strait of Hormuz is “honestly no big deal — like blocking someone’s driveway, but cooler.”
“Look, we’re just floating some very beautiful, very powerful boats in a little stretch of water,” Trump told reporters, gesturing at a map he appeared to have drawn himself. “Iran’s being very dramatic. Very dramatic people, by the way. Great rugs, terrible attitude.”
The blockade, which has effectively shut down roughly 20% of the world’s oil supply, has sent crude prices to record highs and prompted Iran to accuse the United States of “piracy on the high seas” — a charge the White House dismissed as “fake nautical news.”
Thousands of protesters flooded the streets of Tehran waving banners reading “Hands Off Hormuz,” while the U.S. Fifth Fleet reportedly celebrated with what one naval spokesperson described as “a very successful Tuesday.”
Trump added that he expects Tehran to “call very soon,” noting that Iranian leadership “knows a great deal when they see one.” He then offered to build a “tremendous hotel” at the mouth of the strait as a “peace gesture.”
Oil futures traders, meanwhile, have reportedly begun stress-eating. At press time, a gallon of premium unleaded was retailing at approximately one small child’s college fund.
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