WASHINGTON — The United States Navy confirmed Sunday that it will begin escorting civilian oil tankers through the Strait of Hormuz, a move the Pentagon described as “routine,” “proactive,” and “not at all a sign of how badly this Iran situation has spiraled.”
The decision comes on Day 64 of the Iran War, an ongoing conflict that has so far cost an estimated $25 billion, raised the average price of a gallon of gasoline to $4.45, and given every American over the age of forty a new reason to say “I remember when gas was two bucks” at family gatherings.
“We are not escalating,” said one senior military official, speaking from behind a podium flanked by aircraft carriers. “We are de-escalating — just with more battleships. It’s a nuance thing.”
The Strait of Hormuz, through which approximately one-fifth of the world’s daily oil supply once flowed before the war transformed it into the world’s most watched stretch of water, has become the geopolitical equivalent of a disputed parking space — everyone agrees it matters, no one agrees on whose turn it is.
President Trump, when asked whether a new Iranian peace proposal might end the conflict, said he was “reviewing it carefully,” adding that it included “demands I can’t agree to,” including one clause he described only as “the thing with the map.” He did not elaborate.
“The proposal was interesting,” said an unnamed White House adviser. “Intriguing, even. Almost compelling. But ultimately it had this one part where they wanted something, and we weren’t into that.”
Senate Republicans blocked an Iran war powers resolution for the sixth consecutive time this week, a record that Senate historians described as “unprecedented” and Senate Republicans described as “totally normal governance, please stop writing about it.”
Meanwhile, American drivers have reacted to the $4.45 per gallon average with a combination of outrage, resignation, and creative math. Gas station receipts have reportedly become a form of performance art in some coastal cities.
“I filled up yesterday,” said one motorist outside a Phoenix Shell station, clutching a receipt that had three separate line items for taxes. “I just keep telling myself the escort mission is worth it. Somehow.”
Diplomatic negotiations are expected to resume sometime this month at a location described as “somewhere that is not the Strait of Hormuz.” Both sides have agreed that they would like the war to end, though they disagree significantly on the terms, the timeline, and “basically everything else,” according to sources familiar with the talks.
Citizens concerned about rising fuel costs were advised by the Energy Department to consider fuel-efficient vehicles, public transit, or “simply embracing a stationary lifestyle until market conditions improve.”
Globe News Daily editorial note: We at Globe News Daily want to clarify that “escorting oil tankers through a warzone” is technically diplomacy — in the same way that wearing armor to a dinner party is technically business casual.
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