WASHINGTON — On what military officials are calling a perfectly normal Day 64 of the United States’ war with Iran, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he has officially rejected Tehran’s latest peace proposal, calling its terms “completely unacceptable,” “very unfair,” and, in a late-night social media post, “not gold-plated enough.”
The rejected proposal, which diplomats say included a ceasefire, the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz, and a return to international nuclear talks, reportedly fell apart when the Iranian side included a provision requiring “mutual respect,” which sources close to the White House described as “an unprecedented ask.”
“We looked at the deal very carefully,” said White House spokesman Biff Largebottom. “And frankly, the part about mutual respect is a dealbreaker. We don’t even have that domestically.”
The war, which began 64 days ago following what administration officials described as “a Tuesday,” has successfully disrupted roughly one-fifth of the world’s oil and natural gas supply by blocking the Strait of Hormuz, a development that has raised gas prices to a four-year high of $4.30 per gallon. Economists note that this is “bad,” though the White House prefers the term “strategically inconvenient.”
Senate Republicans voted 47 to 50 this week to reject a war powers resolution that would have ended the conflict, with several senators citing their belief that 64 days is not nearly long enough to properly assess whether bombing another country is working. “We’re just getting started,” confirmed Sen. Chad Bluster (R-TX), who has never served in the military but owns a very large truck.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon has confirmed that the United States will withdraw approximately 5,000 troops from Germany as part of ongoing tensions with the German government over the Iranian conflict, leaving analysts to wonder whether America is fighting so many wars simultaneously that it is running out of places to put soldiers.
Polls show that Trump’s handling of the Iran war has reached Iraq- and Vietnam-era disapproval levels, which historians note is a remarkable achievement given that those wars were also very bad. The president responded to the polling by calling it “fake news” and announcing a new line of “Day 64 and Counting” branded merchandise, expected to retail at prices that are, like gasoline, historically high.
Lebanon, meanwhile, reported 12 people killed in Israeli strikes on its south this week, in what Israeli officials described as “not breaking the ceasefire, just nudging it.” The Supreme Court also struck down a Louisiana voting map this week, presumably because even the judiciary needs something to do when everyone else is focused on wars.
As of press time, Day 65 is expected to begin at midnight, as calendars continue to function normally despite geopolitical instability.
*Globe News Daily reminds readers that the Strait of Hormuz is an actual place and not, as many Americans discovered this week, a new type of hummus. We regret any confusion.*
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