WASHINGTON — Following the collapse of U.S.-Iran nuclear negotiations in Islamabad on Sunday, President Trump announced a naval blockade of the Strait of Hormuz — the narrow waterway through which approximately 20% of the world’s oil supply passes — describing it as “the greatest blockade anyone has ever seen, very beautiful, people are saying it’s incredible.”
The announcement, made via a 2 a.m. Truth Social post that began with the words “BLOCKADE!!!” in all capitals, sent oil markets into a tailspin and prompted energy analysts to recalibrate their models using terms like “catastrophic” and “oh no.”
“The Strait of Hormuz — which, frankly, is a terrible name — will now be completely controlled by the United States Navy,” Trump told reporters, adding that he had already sketched out a preliminary rebranding concept. “I’m thinking ‘Trump Strait.’ Very strong name. Very narrow, which I like — keeps things focused. We’re looking at the intellectual property situation.”
“This is the best blockade. The Egyptians had a blockade, the British had a blockade — nobody remembers those. Everyone will remember this one.”
— President Trump, to assembled reporters and three bewildered admirals
Iran’s government, reached for comment, said it was “absolutely unacceptable and an act of war,” before adding that it was also coincidentally exploring whether it could trademark the Persian Gulf.
Global oil prices surged 18% within hours of the announcement, prompting gas station owners across the United States to raise prices at speeds previously observed only in particle accelerators. Several stations in New Jersey introduced a new line item on receipts labeled “Blockade Ambiance Surcharge.”
European allies expressed deep concern through a joint statement described by diplomats as “extremely strongly worded” and by Trump as “a letter from some people I’ve never heard of.”
The U.S. Navy, for its part, confirmed it had received orders to deploy to the region and noted that the Strait is approximately 21 miles wide at its narrowest point — “wide enough for a blockade,” confirmed one admiral, “though admittedly tight for a resort.”
Economists warned that a prolonged blockade could disrupt global supply chains, spike inflation, and accelerate the energy transition to renewables — the last point being one that neither Iran nor the oil industry appeared particularly happy about.
As of press time, the State Department was drafting emergency diplomatic cables, the Pentagon was deploying carrier groups, and the Trump Organization’s licensing division had submitted three trademark applications.
Globe News Daily reminds readers that 21 miles is also roughly the distance of a marathon, which describes the energy market’s current emotional state quite well.
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