WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — In what geopolitical experts are calling “an extremely expensive disagreement,” the United States and Iran entered their third consecutive week of dueling blockades in the Strait of Hormuz on Thursday, with both nations reportedly in complete agreement that the waterway is very important, while being in total disagreement about literally everything else.
The standoff, which Pentagon officials have now priced at a cool $25 billion, began after President Trump rejected Iran’s proposal to reopen the critical passage, calling it “a bad deal, probably the worst deal I’ve ever refused to make.” Iranian officials responded by calling the American position “characteristically unhelpful,” which diplomatic observers noted was, at minimum, accurate.
Senate Republicans blocked yet another war powers resolution on Wednesday, voting 47-50 to ensure that Congress retains its constitutional right to schedule a fourth vote. The bill’s sponsor, speaking outside the chamber, said he was “cautiously frustrated,” before being reminded that “cautiously frustrated” is not a recognized parliamentary position.
Global shipping companies — who simply want to move their goods from one continent to another without becoming an international incident — issued a joint statement Thursday expressing “deep frustration” and “a strong preference for adults.” The statement was acknowledged with thoughts and prayers.
“We are not at war. We are conducting a well-funded disagreement at sea,” a senior Pentagon official told reporters Thursday, speaking on condition of anonymity because they had not yet cleared it with anyone who would know whether that sentence was legally defensible.
Iran’s state media described the standoff as “an act of aggression by the Great Satan,” while also noting, in paragraph four of the same press release, that the waterway really should be open because everyone benefits from it. The contradiction was not addressed. A follow-up question was not taken.
Gas prices, which hit $4.30 a gallon on Thursday — the highest level in four years — are expected to climb further. AAA confirmed that American drivers are “very upset” and “somehow still driving everywhere, constantly.”
Negotiations are described as “ongoing,” in the sense that both governments have agreed they would like negotiations to occur, though neither has agreed on the location, format, agenda, mediator, language of negotiation, or definition of the word “negotiations.” Progress, officials say, is being made on a definition of progress.
At press time, the Strait of Hormuz remained closed, the $25 billion tab remained open, and the Senate had adjourned for the weekend.
Globe News Daily editorial note: We reached out to the Strait of Hormuz for comment. It declined, citing the fact that it is a body of water and does not do interviews.
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