🚨 In a move that has absolutely shocked the three remaining Americans who still had faith in institutional norms, President Trump reportedly fired Attorney General Pam Bondi while she was literally in a car on the way to the Supreme Court — a commute that, according to the Institute for Government Instability Studies, lasted approximately 7 minutes and resulted in one full cabinet-level termination. Sources confirm she found out via what insiders describe as “a very firm presidential vibe.” 💼
😂 In her place, Trump has installed Deputy AG Todd Blanche — best known as the man who served as Trump’s own personal defense attorney during his criminal trial — a selection legal scholars are calling “certainly a thing that is happening.” Blanche reportedly accepted the role via text message during which he allegedly responded with a thumbs-up emoji and the words “lol ok.” A spokesperson for the Department of Justice confirmed the transition took approximately 11 minutes and that several interns were not notified until the next morning’s coffee run. ☕
🤯 According to a new report from the Washington Center for Appointments That Make Historians Cry, this marks the 47th personnel change in the current administration’s Justice Department — a number that demographers say is statistically indistinguishable from “operating a pirate ship.” The report also noted that the Supreme Court, upon learning who was coming to brief them, reportedly collectively took a very long breath and stared at the ceiling for 40 to 60 seconds. 🏛️
💬 “I’ve been in government for 34 years,” said one unnamed senior official who asked to remain anonymous because he “just wants to retire with his knees intact,” adding: “At this point I check my employment status every morning the way normal people check the weather — with low expectations and a raincoat.”
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