🔥 In an unprecedented constitutional spectacle that legal scholars are already calling “the single weirdest thing that has ever happened in a room full of wigs,” President Donald Trump became the first sitting president in American history to attend a Supreme Court oral argument in person on Wednesday — spending 73 consecutive minutes radiating what witnesses described as “a profound, almost meditative silence” in the direction of Justice Sonia Sotomayor. According to a new report from the Institute for Presidential Decorum Studies, 94% of all sitting presidents before Trump had the “basic dignity” to send lawyers instead. 🏛️
😂 The case in question involves Trump’s executive order attempting to end birthright citizenship — a right enshrined in the Fourteenth Amendment since 1868, a fact the Supreme Court pointed out approximately seventeen times during the hearing. Court insiders say the justices appeared “skeptical,” “confused,” and “faintly alarmed” by the administration’s legal arguments, which reportedly included the phrase “well actually if you think about it” no fewer than four times. A paralegal from the Department of Justice, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he spent the entire hearing “trying to make myself invisible behind a potted plant.” 🌿
🤯 Meanwhile, in a development that sent European capitals into a collective five-alarm anxiety spiral, Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One that he is “strongly considering” withdrawing the United States from NATO — describing the alliance as “very expensive,” “not very nice to me during the Iran thing,” and “honestly kind of a drag at parties.” German Chancellor Friedrich Merz reportedly responded by staring out a window for eleven minutes before issuing a statement described as “diplomatically worded but spiritually defeated.” The French foreign minister simply posted a single croissant emoji and then deactivated his account. 🥐
💬 As the Iran war grinds on, gas prices cross $4 a gallon, and the Senate scrambles to fund DHS while exempting ICE (in what policy wonks are calling “a vibe”), one unnamed White House aide summed up the week with characteristic precision: “Honestly at this point I just show up, make sure nothing is literally on fire, and go home. Metaphorically it’s all on fire. But I mean literally.” 🔥🔥🔥
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