🔥 In what political scientists at the Institute for Democracy and Very Loud Famous People are calling “the most star-studded act of civic fury since Bruce Springsteen looked disapprovingly at a senator,” the third wave of “No Kings” protests swept across the United States on Saturday, drawing millions of Americans into the streets in all 50 states — including, bewilderingly, several states that only have one street. 🗺️ Over 3,200 marches were planned, nearly half of which took place in Republican strongholds, which organizers described as “brave” and locals described as “confusing, mostly.”
😂 Leading the charge were Hollywood heavyweights Robert De Niro, Jane Fonda, and Bruce Springsteen, who sources say arrived at the flagship Minnesota rally in a motorcade of hybrid vehicles while staff handed out artisanal protest signs printed on recycled cardstock. 🎸 De Niro, 82, reportedly approached a group of counter-protesters and whispered “You talkin’ to me?” so quietly and with such intense method-acting energy that three of them immediately sat down and began crying. A new study from the Brandeis Center for Celebrity Activism Research found that 78% of protest attendees had “no idea what specific law they wanted changed but felt very strongly about vibes.”
🤯 The protests also spread to Europe, where large crowds gathered in cities including London, Paris, and Berlin — nations that have their own problems but apparently find American political chaos so deeply compelling that they cannot help but join in. 🌍 Back in the US, the flagship rally in St. Paul, Minnesota was inspired in part by an immigration crackdown that organizers say “directly affected real families” and the Trump administration called “going exactly as planned.” Joan Baez performed a song that made everyone cry. A golden retriever in a tiny crown became the unofficial mascot and has since been offered a CNN contributor deal.
💬 An unnamed protest organizer, reached for comment while stress-eating a granola bar, told reporters: “Look, we’ve marched three times now and things keep getting worse, but on the bright side our sneaker game has never been better and we’ve all made incredible friends.” 👟
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