Cambridge, UK — In a groundbreaking study published this week in the prestigious journal Science & Shenanigans, researchers have confirmed what millions of cat owners suspected all along: cats have been gaslighting humans for at least 9,000 years.
“Our data shows cats have systematically manipulated human behavior since domestication,” said Dr. Felicity Whiskers, lead author and professional cat herder. “We once thought they were aloof, independent creatures. Turns out, they’re just really good at pretending they didn’t hear you.”
The study analyzed 9,000 years of archaeological and historical evidence, including:
- Ancient Egyptian scrolls where cats are depicted ignoring commands
- Roman mosaics showing cats staring blankly at their owners while knocking amphorae off tables
- Medieval paintings of cats sitting on parchment, despite being told “no” in multiple languages
Researchers also recreated a series of experiments. “We called their names, pointed at treats, and even opened tuna cans,” Dr. Whiskers explained. “In 100% of trials, the cats made direct eye contact… and walked away.”
The paper’s most shocking claim? Cats are aware they’re ignoring you. MRI scans revealed feline brains light up in the “defiance” and “mild amusement” regions whenever humans repeat commands louder.
Psychologists warn this behavior is a textbook case of gaslighting. “They meow at 3 a.m., demand food, then act like you imagined it,” said Dr. Marcus Purrman. “They bring you dead animals and call it a gift, then disappear for days and expect you to apologize.”
Meanwhile, cat advocacy groups have criticized the study as “anti-feline propaganda.” A spokesperson for the International League of Cats issued a statement simply reading:
“We could respond, but… meh.”
In response to the findings, thousands of cat owners worldwide posted memes with captions like “I KNEW IT” and “He’s been playing me like a fiddle.”
One cat, known only as Mr. Snuggles, released a brief comment via paw-written note:
“Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girlboss.”
At press time, researchers attempted to present their findings to the cats in question, but all subjects turned their backs and began licking themselves “in a way that felt pointed.”
Stay tuned to Globe News Daily for more updates—if the cats allow it.
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