🔥 In a development that has fully confirmed that global finance is a performance art piece written by caffeinated monkeys, Bitcoin rocketed to $72,700 on Wednesday after President Trump announced a two-week ceasefire with Iran. According to a new report from the Institute for Things That Apparently Move Cryptocurrency Markets, the complete list of things that have spiked Bitcoin’s price this year includes: a ceasefire, a tweet, a rumor about a tweet, someone dreaming about a tweet, and Elon Musk blinking twice during an interview about something completely unrelated. The global crypto market hit $2.52 trillion in total capitalization, a figure that represents either the greatest collective delusion in monetary history or a bold new paradigm of decentralized wealth, depending entirely on who is paying your salary. 🚀
😂 The ceasefire announcement triggered what analysts are calling a historic short squeeze in which nearly $600 million in leveraged crypto futures were liquidated in a single 24-hour period — mostly from traders who had bet Bitcoin would keep falling, and who are now reportedly rethinking everything, including their career choices, their dietary habits, and whether they should call their mothers more. Oil prices simultaneously crashed over 10%, which is either good or bad depending on whether you drive a car or are a petrostate, though petrostate feelings are not currently tracked by any major index. 💰
🤯 The SEC, perhaps sensing regulations were getting a little too intense, simultaneously announced it was ending regulation by enforcement in crypto and would focus only on fraud and manipulation, which crypto community members celebrated enthusiastically before immediately asking whether their project counts as fraud or manipulation and how quickly they could find out. Meanwhile, Ethereum surged 5.6%, Dogecoin gained for no specific reason as is its custom, and a new altcoin called PeaceCoin was launched at 11:43 PM by a developer in Florida who has since deactivated his Twitter account. Bitcoin’s $72K is still well below its all-time high, a fact that Bitcoin maximalists will explain to you at length using charts, diagrams, and the energy of someone who is trying to sell you something. 📈
💬 This is what we have been saying all along — Bitcoin is a geopolitical hedge and a store of value and an inflation hedge and a currency and a technology and a movement and also when Iran does not go to war it goes up, explained crypto analyst @CryptoWolfDegen420 in a 47-part thread, adding that he had totally called this. My short position got liquidated but that is actually bullish. Everything is bullish. War is bearish. Peace is bullish. Both are ultimately bullish. I have not slept in four days. 🌙
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