💰 Bitcoin shot above $72,000 Friday as optimism grew over the US-Iran ceasefire — meaning world peace is now measurable in crypto prices. According to a new report from the Institute for Things That Should Not Be Related But Somehow Are, BTC’s 5% surge was directly correlated with Trump not bombing Iran, making it the first financial instrument to benefit from the absence of civilizational collapse. 📈
😂 Simultaneously the Crypto Fear and Greed Index displayed a score of 11 out of 100: ‘Extreme Fear’ — meaning the market is pumping AND catastrophically terrified at the same time. Analysts describe this as ‘completely normal crypto behaviour’ and ‘a Tuesday.’ Binance also added a prediction market to its app, letting retail traders bet on real-world events, which is either financial innovation or the sickest joke depending on your risk tolerance. 🎲
🤯 The US Treasury announced crypto firms can now sign up for cybersecurity threat-sharing — hailed as ‘regulatory progress’ by the industry and ‘too little too late’ by everyone who lost money in the 2024 meme coin supercycle. Analysts project if the CLARITY Act passes, Bitcoin could break $80,000, at which point everyone who sold at $40k will enter a new grief stage that doesn’t have a clinical name yet. 😭
💬 “The Fear and Greed Index is at 11 and the price went up 5% in a day,” said one unnamed analyst, staring into the void. “I’ve been doing this six years and still have absolutely no idea what’s happening. Literally none.” 💰🚀
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