By Paige Turner | Globe News Daily’s Extraterrestrial Affairs Correspondent
Washington D.C. — Former President Donald Trump has declassified all UFO documents, revealing extraterrestrial visitors prefer golf courses to White House politics.
The 4,827-page document dump confirms aliens are real, they’re here, and they’re obsessed with golf. Codenamed “The Golf Cart People,” the beings have visited over 300 golf courses worldwide.
Alien Golf Obsession
According to the files, the aliens:
- Find Trump properties “beautiful landing zones”
- Consider political debates “quaint” compared to golf handicaps
- Love plaid pants (“bold sartorial choice”)
- Shared golf tech: 1-putt guarantees, water-avoiding balls
“President Obama was worried they’d give him a higher handicap than he actually has,” reads one memo.
Trump’s Space Real Estate Pitch
Trump reportedly offered the aliens exclusive rights to develop “Trump Galaxy” luxury condos on Mars.
“The best views in the solar system, believe me,” he told them, according to former Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.
The aliens declined but bought gold-plated “Make Space Great Again” hats as souvenirs.
What’s Next?
The extraterrestrials are now:
- Negotiating PGA Tour sponsorships
- Developing “Interstellar Housewives of Palm Beach”
- Considering alien-themed mini-golf chains
As one intelligence official summarized: “Turns out the truth wasn’t ‘out there’ — it was on the back nine at Mar-a-Lago.”
Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.
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