🔬 In a historic pivot that has left the nation’s approximately 3.2 million working scientists doing the “is this a meme” face, President Trump has announced his new President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology — a blue-ribbon panel composed almost entirely of extremely rich men who have never once pipetted anything. 🧫 The council features Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, NVIDIA boss Jensen Huang, and AMD chief Lisa Su, raising urgent new questions about what we, as a society, think “science” means. According to the Institute for People Who Have Opinions About STEM, 94% of actual Ph.D. scientists learned about their replacement via LinkedIn.
😂 Jensen Huang — a man whose scientific credentials consist primarily of making graphics cards for AI chatbots and crypto mining — reportedly showed up to his first advisory meeting in his signature black leather jacket and immediately asked if they could “move faster and iterate.” Mark Zuckerberg arrived wearing a grey t-shirt and what witnesses described as “the expression of a man who has been briefed on human emotions but is still workshopping them.” 🤖 Sources at the Department of Does This Make Sense confirm that the previous council, which included actual scientists with actual degrees in actual science, was quietly dissolved in what officials called a “vibe correction.” Lisa Su reportedly asked if they could put a chip in the moon, and three people nodded seriously.
🤯 The announcement comes as actual researchers celebrate World Health Day 2026 on April 7th, themed “Together For Health. Stand With Science.” — a slogan the new council reportedly found “a bit aggressive.” Biologists are quietly making breakthroughs on treating sleeping sickness, Alzheimer’s detection via genetics, and a microbial fingerprint for colorectal cancer — none of which involves a GPU. 🧬 The Council’s first leaked recommendation: replace all microscopes with “spatial computing goggles” and mandate that every lab have “a ping-pong table and cold brew on tap.” The memo was presented as a slide deck in Proxima Nova font.
💬 Reactions from the scientific community were, to put it charitably, mixed. The American Association for the Advancement of Science issued a statement consisting entirely of the phrase “We’re sure it’ll be fine” repeated 47 times. One anonymous biology professor who has spent 22 years studying sleep-sickness parasites said, “I didn’t get into science to be glamorous, but I did assume I’d at least be relevant.” The White House said the new council represents “the best and brightest minds of our time,” and also announced the moon will henceforth be referred to as “a potential data center opportunity.” 🌕💻 “Move fast and break things,” said a White House aide when asked about America’s scientific future. “Even if the things are, like, vaccines.”
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