In what analysts are calling “the most diplomatic thing to happen this week,” President Donald Trump has announced he is “seriously reviewing” the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Germany, citing ongoing tensions with Chancellor Friedrich Merz over the Iran conflict — and, sources close to the President allege, an unspecified grievance about Merz’s handshake being “too firm and European.”
“We have 35,000 soldiers in Germany and frankly, Germany hasn’t even offered to pay for them with a fruit basket or anything,” Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One, pausing to squint at a laminated map of Europe. “Very unfair. Very, very unfair. Merz knows what he did.”
Chancellor Merz, for his part, responded with a carefully worded statement in which he described the alliance as “historically significant” and the situation as “a matter requiring serious diplomatic engagement,” which German scholars confirmed translates roughly to “please, not again.”
NATO officials convened an emergency session to discuss the development, which lasted four hours and concluded with a joint communiqué that did not mention Trump by name but did include a full paragraph about the importance of “mutual respect and not making decisions about troop deployments based on vibes.”
As of press time, Trump had reportedly offered to keep the troops in Germany in exchange for a formal apology, naming rights to a stretch of the Autobahn, and a signed photograph of a German shepherd “but a big one, the nicest one they have.”
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