🎮 The Super Mario Galaxy Movie has earned $188.4 million in its first five days of release, making it the highest-grossing opening week of 2026, the most successful video game movie since the first Super Mario film, and definitive proof that adults will 100% pay full IMAX prices to watch a cartoon plumber jump through space if you give them enough nostalgia and a good enough trailer. 🌟💰 According to the Bureau of We Already Knew This Was Going To Happen (BWAKTWGTH), Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa was reportedly observed doing backflips in the company boardroom while simultaneously blowing into a Nintendo cartridge “for good luck,” even though the movie is entirely digital and the gesture “served no technical function but was extremely spiritually correct.”
😂 The film — which features Mario, Peach, Luigi, Rosalina, and what insiders describe as “at least four new characters that will immediately have 900,000 pieces of fan art” — opened at 4,252 theaters to crowds dressed in red overalls, blue overalls, princess gowns, and at least one man who came as a power-up mushroom “ironically but also genuinely, if he’s honest.” 🍄👷 Reviews have been almost universally positive, with critics praising the animation, the score, and what The Hollywood Reporter called “the single most emotionally devastating scene involving a star-shaped collectible in the history of cinema.” Three reviewers reportedly had to leave the screening room to cry in the lobby, and one asked that his name be removed from the review “to protect my reputation as someone who does not cry at Mario movies,” which he has now permanently destroyed. 🌟
🤯 Nintendo’s stock leapt 12% on the opening weekend news, with analysts projecting the Galaxy Movie could ultimately gross $900 million worldwide — a figure that, if true, would make it more profitable per minute of runtime than almost any financial instrument currently available, which several Bitcoin investors have noted “with complicated feelings.” 📈🎬 Universal Pictures, which co-produced the film, released a statement calling the opening “extraordinary,” “validation of our long-term partnership with Nintendo,” and “frankly we are all just standing here looking at the numbers and not talking because we don’t want to jinx it.” Meanwhile, a sequel has already been greenlit, with sources confirming the working title is simply “More Mario” and the budget is “whatever it costs.” 💵
💬 When a reporter asked a 47-year-old man in a full Mario costume, exiting the theater with red eyes and a souvenir cup the size of a small child, what he thought of the film, he composed himself with visible effort and said: “It’s for my kids. I brought my kids. They fell asleep in the first act. The movie is incredible. I will be seeing it again tomorrow. This conversation is over.” He then put on his hat and walked directly back to the ticket booth. 🎩⭐
📰 More Unhinged News You’ll Love:
Leave a Reply