Giza, Egypt — In what archaeologists are calling “the biggest oops-we-missed-this moment in history,” a vast underground city has been discovered beneath the Pyramids of Giza—complete with paved streets, hieroglyphic Starbucks, and a surprisingly functional Wi-Fi network.
The discovery was made when Dr. Sandra Bickle tripped over a suspiciously hollow stone while filming a TikTok dance in front of the Great Pyramid. “I thought I’d just broken an ancient floor tile, but then the ground caved in and boom—suddenly I’m standing in the lost Egyptian equivalent of Manhattan,” she said.
Initial explorations reveal the underground city features:
- Over 500 miles of tunnels
- A Pharaoh’s Mega Mall with ancient food courts (“All-You-Can-Eat Crocodile Tuesdays”)
- A fully intact pyramid-shaped water park dubbed NileWorld
- A mural depicting an ancient alien giving a thumbs-up
Shockingly, the city includes an amphitheater showing reruns of “Friends” dubbed in hieroglyphics, leading some conspiracy theorists to declare, “This proves ancient Egyptians invented sitcoms!”
Meanwhile, Airbnb has wasted no time, already listing “cozy sarcophagus suites” for $499/night (“Great airflow! Ancient curses 4/5 stars!”). The Egyptian Ministry of Tourism announced it will launch guided tours next month, with VIP access to the rumored “Mummy Nightclub,” where “dead serious partying” happens every Friday.
“This changes everything we know about ancient Egypt,” said Professor Ahmed el-Fakri, shaking his head in disbelief. “We thought they were obsessed with death and the afterlife, but it turns out… they just really liked malls.”
Elon Musk has already announced plans to build a Hyperloop tunnel connecting the underground city directly to Mars, tweeting simply: “They were onto something.”
The Egyptian government assures the public that excavation will continue carefully, “except for the parts we’re turning into a Laser Tag arena.”
Stay tuned to Globe News Daily for more updates on this world-altering discovery—or at least a very cool theme park.
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