🚽 NASA’s Artemis II mission launched on April 1st to great fanfare and one extremely concerning footnote: the toilet on board is refusing to accept urine from the astronauts. Not broken — refusing. According to sources close to the mission who asked not to be identified “because it’s embarrassing for everyone,” the toilet’s liquid waste collection system has been rejecting inputs “like a very picky maitre d’ at a restaurant that has definitely forgotten who it works for.” 🚀 The Artemis II crew — four highly trained professionals selected from thousands of applicants — are now reportedly “managing the situation creatively” using methods that NASA engineers describe as “legacy solutions.”
😂 This marks the second consecutive NASA mission to experience significant toilet drama, leading the International Space Sanitation Research Collective to publish an emergency white paper titled “Why Can’t We Get This Right.” The paper — 47 pages long — concludes that the main issue is that designing a toilet for zero gravity is “extraordinarily difficult and we should probably be more impressed that anything works at all,” which is described by critics as “not super reassuring.” 🛸 Meanwhile, the four astronauts on board have reportedly been briefed that the toilet situation is “being monitored from the ground,” a statement one crew member described as “the least helpful thing I have ever heard.”
🤯 Engineers at Johnson Space Center have been working around the clock to diagnose the problem, which so far has been narrowed down to either “a sensor issue,” “a valve malfunction,” or, according to one anonymous engineer quoted in a forum post that NASA has since asked us not to cite, “the toilet has simply decided it deserves better.” The crew has been advised to stay hydrated, which experts acknowledge “creates a situation.” 💧 In related news, SpaceX released a statement saying their toilet “has never once refused anyone” and that they look forward to “continued innovation in space plumbing.”
💬 “The toilet is functioning nominally in all other respects,” NASA spokesperson Linda Creighton said at a briefing that everyone in the room agreed to never speak of again, before adding: “We are confident the crew will adapt. They are, after all, astronauts. This is fine.”
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