🍑 In what scientists at the Institute for Decisions We Regret are calling a watershed moment in personal care, DudeWipes has unveiled the Butt Mask — described as the world’s first hydrogel mask engineered specifically for your third eye. 💅 Designed to be applied to the rear end while doomscrolling, because humanity has decided no body part shall remain un-masked. According to the Bureau of Products Nobody Requested, it sold out in 14 minutes on launch day.
😂 The Butt Mask arrives in a slim black package with the tagline Because You Deserve This, which is either deeply empowering or a sign that self-care has jumped a very large shark. 🦈 Dermatologists noted the gluteal region lacks the same pores as the face, making the hydrogel technology theoretically sound in the same way applying sunscreen to your elbow is theoretically sound. It retails for $28 for four masks — about $7 per application, which is $7 more than your rear end has ever cost to maintain.
🤯 The launch follows a trend of April Fools products that turned out to be real, including an iPhone case with a 20kg dumbbell handle for executing stock trades mid-workout. 💪 Wellness influencers are reviewing the Butt Mask with the gravitas normally reserved for climate summits. “I felt a visible difference in luminosity,” said one whose 47-second review reel got 8.3 million views. Sydney’s Fashion Stakes carnival also mandated strict black-and-white dress codes, making it look like a very formal Butt Mask product launch.
💬 DudeWipes declined to confirm whether a neck mask, ear mask, or complete body coverage is next — the company appears to simply be working its way around humanity one hydrogel sheet at a time. “We saw a gap in the market,” said an unnamed DudeWipes executive. “Between the front and the back, if you will.” He then winked at the camera and it was somehow worse. 😬
📰 More Unhinged News:
Leave a Reply