🍔 What began as a simple Instagram video has escalated into a full corporate crisis that economists are now calling “the most expensive PR disaster in fast food history that also involves absolutely no food being eaten.” McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczanski ignited the conflagration when he posted a video eating his own company’s new Big Arch Burger and took a bite so impossibly, legendarily small that food scientists at MIT have confirmed it registered below the threshold of human perception. According to a new study from the Institute for Executive Eating Behaviors, the bite consumed approximately 0.003% of the burger, which is technically a kiss. The internet did not let this pass. 📱
😂 Within 48 hours, every major fast food CEO had posted their own burger video in response, each seemingly attempting to out-tiny the previous bite. Wendy’s CEO Kirk Tanner took what viewers described as “a bite so small it may have been purely conceptual.” Burger King’s executive reportedly used a jeweler’s loupe to identify the portion he had consumed. A&W’s president posted a 45-second video of himself “eating” a burger in which his teeth never visibly touched the bun. The resulting social media discourse prompted CNBC to air a three-hour special called “Why Are These Men Afraid Of Food?” 📺 Rating: extraordinary. Meanwhile, a Wendy’s regional manager in Ohio was hospitalized after attempting to eat a full Baconator in one bite on Instagram Live, reportedly saying “SOMEONE HAS TO DO THIS” directly into the camera before the incident occurred. 🚑
🤯 The situation reached peak absurdity when Shake Shack’s CEO Danny Meyer posted a video in which he appeared to eat a burger but experts using frame-by-frame analysis determined his jaw never actually moved. This prompted questions about whether the entire video was staged, which Meyer’s PR team confirmed it was, but insisted “the sentiment was genuine.” Chick-fil-A declined to participate on Sundays, which only deepened the mystery. Meanwhile, nutrition scientists noted with concern that none of these executives appear to actually eat the products they sell, leading to a class-action lawsuit by shareholders demanding executives “at least pretend to enjoy the food” per their fiduciary duty. 📊 The S&P Fast Food Eating Index, which is not a real thing but should be, dropped 6% on news of the suit.
💬 When a reporter asked a McDonald’s spokesperson whether the company was concerned about the optics of its CEO visibly refusing to eat its own food, the spokesperson replied: “Chris enjoys the Big Arch very much. He was simply savoring it. Americans eat too fast anyway. Chris is wellness-oriented. The bite was intentional. Please don’t zoom in anymore.” 🍟😶
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