🔥 In a development that has caused the collective net worth of a major demographic of Tesla owners to decrease by approximately “a lot,” Bitcoin has crashed to around $66,551 — down nearly 47% from its October peak — as the Fear & Greed Index hit a score of 8 out of 100, a level officially categorized as “Extreme Fear” and unofficially categorized as “your portfolio is doing a really interesting thing right now” 📉. According to a new report from the Institute for Tracking People Who Should Have Sold In November, approximately 14.3 million crypto investors have experienced what the report calls a “Lambo Reversal Event” — defined as the point at which a person who had previously said “I’m buying a Lamborghini” now says “I’m selling my Peloton.”
😂 Market analysts at three separate firms have responded to the crash by maintaining their $150,000 to $200,000 Bitcoin price targets and then very quietly going to lunch 🥗. The Fear & Greed score of 8 represents the lowest reading since the great “It’s Not Dead, It’s Just Resting” crash of early 2023, and prompted several prominent crypto influencers to post 12-minute YouTube videos explaining why this is actually bullish, all filmed in front of a green screen showing a yacht they no longer own. The Journal of Decisions Made at 2AM published a special issue on the matter, subtitled: “You Knew.”
🤯 Adding to the chaos, quantum computing researchers revealed this week that a quantum computer may need only 10,000 qubits to drain crypto wallets — far fewer than previously estimated 🖥️💀. The crypto community’s response was swift and nuanced: approximately 40% said “this is FUD,” 40% said “this is fine,” and 20% quietly Googled “how to buy gold bars without your spouse finding out.” Meanwhile, the U.S. Labor Department proposed expanding digital asset access in 401(k) retirement portfolios, a move experts described as “a fascinating experiment in what happens when people gamble with their retirement funds on purpose.”
💬 One unnamed crypto investor, reached while reportedly eating cereal for dinner, offered this measured perspective: “I’m not selling. This is temporary. I’ve been saying that for eight months. The cereal is fine. I’m fine. Bitcoin is going to $200K. The cereal is stale but I’m fine.” 🥣
📰 More Unhinged News You’ll Love:
Leave a Reply