🦷 In a development that raises more questions than it answers about what scientists are spending their Tuesdays doing, researchers have successfully created an artificial saliva using a protein derived from sugarcane — and it works. Like, actually works. It coats your teeth, murders bacteria, and apparently tastes “neutral,” which is what every food scientist says right before it definitely does not taste neutral. 🧫 According to the Global Journal of Stuff We Extracted From Plants, this is the single most important spit-adjacent breakthrough since a man in 1987 accidentally spilled his coffee on a petri dish and discovered something he can’t talk about yet.
😂 The sugarcane protein — formally known as SucroProt-7 by scientists and “extremely weird mouth juice” by everyone else — forms a protective film over teeth that bacteria apparently find “deeply inhospitable,” according to a researcher who described the bacteria’s reaction as “like showing up to a party and finding out it’s a timeshare presentation.” Dentists across the United States have reportedly reacted with a mix of awe and deep financial concern, as the Institute for Oral Revenue Preservation estimates this technology could eliminate up to 340 million routine cleanings annually. 💸
🤯 The sugarcane used in the study was grown in a special greenhouse where, according to lab notes, it was “spoken to gently” and “played jazz on Wednesdays.” The resulting protein was then extracted, purified, reconstituted, and injected into a synthetic oral medium — a sentence that gets less appealing with each word. Trial participants who tested the artificial saliva reported improved tooth protection, fresher breath, and in one case, “a persistent and unexplained craving for rum cocktails” that researchers say is “probably unrelated.” 🍹
💬 “We didn’t set out to replace saliva,” admitted lead researcher Dr. Monika Strauss in a press release that nobody asked for, “but here we are, and honestly, the saliva industry had it coming.”
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