WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what analysts are calling “a bold move logistically,” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the U.S. war with Iran is “basically done, maybe totally done, possibly the most done war in history,” and has reportedly ordered the Pentagon to begin planning a victory parade — despite the fact that Iran has not yet been informed the war is over.
“We met our objectives, beautiful objectives, the best objectives,” Trump told reporters at a White House briefing, gesturing at a two-minute video montage of “stuff blowing up” that he described as “frankly, incredible cinema.” “Iran knows what happened. Their power plants are still standing, which frankly is very generous of us.”
The announcement came just hours after the U.S. extended yet another deadline for Iran to reopen the Strait of Hormuz — the fourth such extension in two weeks — leading many foreign policy experts to question what exactly “meeting objectives” entails.
“We defined the objectives after we met them,” explained an unnamed senior official. “That’s called efficiency.”
Iran, for its part, responded by firing two more rounds of missiles at central Israel and announcing it had promoted its navy chief — despite reports that Israel had killed him last Thursday.
“The General is doing great, very much alive,” said Iranian state media. “He is simply working remotely.”
Meanwhile, Pakistani mediators are shuttling a 15-point peace framework between Washington and Tehran, a document Trump described as “a beautiful list, very detailed, lots of points.” When asked what the points were, Trump replied: “Fifteen of them. Big ones.”
The proposed victory parade is currently scheduled for April — pending Iran’s acknowledgment that it lost, which mediators say “could take a while.”
“We’re getting very close to the finish line,” said Trump envoy Steve Witkoff. “We’ve been very close for about three weeks now. The line may be moving.”
At press time, oil prices had risen to $126 a barrel, six ships remained in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon’s victory confetti had been approved but not yet ordered — “just in case.”
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