Iran Clarifies Strait of Hormuz Only Blocked to Enemies: ‘We’re Very Reasonable People, Just Ask China’

TEHRAN — In a move described by international shipping experts as “a toll booth with missiles,” Iran’s Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi issued a formal clarification Monday that the Strait of Hormuz — through which 20% of the world’s oil supply once freely flowed — is not technically “closed,” merely “selectively open,” and that any confusion is entirely the fault of the countries Iran is blockading.

“This is a misunderstanding,” Araghchi told reporters. “The Strait is open. It is simply open for some people and not others. Like a VIP club, but with warships.”

Iran announced that ships from China, Russia, India, Iraq, and Pakistan are welcome to pass through at no charge — or, as Iranian officials privately described it, “a very reasonable charge that we haven’t announced yet.” Spain was also added to the approved list after Iranian officials watched a flamenco documentary and decided the Spanish “seemed chill.”

The United States, which has deployed A-10 Thunderbolts and Apache gunships to the region to “handle fast-attack watercraft,” responded by calling the arrangement “an illegal blockade.” Iran responded by calling it “a toll booth,” and the two sides have been arguing about the terminology ever since, while six ships per day trickle through compared to the previous 130.

“This is not a blockade,” insisted a senior IRGC commander. “A blockade implies hostility. We are merely being selective. Like a restaurant with a dress code, except the dress code is ‘not an enemy of the Islamic Republic.'”

Global oil markets reacted to the clarification by rising to $126 a barrel. Saudi Arabia, which had to shut its largest refinery, said it was “grateful for the clarification” and then immediately began rerouting all oil through the Red Sea.

At press time, Iran had added Norway to the blocked list after a Norwegian journalist described the blockade as “a blockade,” and removed Iraq from the approved list after Iraq described it as “a bit much.”