By Dee Zaster | Globe News Daily’s Scientific Mischief Correspondent
Cambridge, Massachusetts — In a discovery that has sent shockwaves through Starbucks lines worldwide, Harvard researchers have confirmed what many 3 PM coffee drinkers suspected: coffee actually makes you more tired.
The study, published in the Journal of Caffeinated Confusion, found that while coffee provides an initial burst of energy, it ultimately depletes your natural adenosine receptors, leaving you more exhausted than before your first sip.
“It’s like borrowing energy from tomorrow with terrible interest rates,” explained lead researcher Dr. Brew T. Awake. “That 4 PM crash isn’t a coincidence—it’s your body sending you a bill for the morning’s loan.”
The researchers recommend replacing coffee with “controlled yawning,” “strategic stretching,” or “pretending to listen in meetings while actually napping with your eyes open.”
Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire. Please continue drinking coffee; we need the ad revenue.
Leave a Reply