The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted 793 points on Friday, sending the index into correction territory and prompting Wall Street analysts to issue a flurry of reassuring statements from behind closed office doors where they were absolutely not panic-selling their personal portfolios. The S&P 500 lost 1.67% and the Nasdaq dropped 2.15%, figures that financial experts described as “a healthy correction,” “a buying opportunity,” and “please don’t look at our faces right now.”
The sell-off was largely attributed to Brent crude topping $110 per barrel following fresh concerns about the Strait of Hormuz, which has been blocked, unblocked, re-blocked, and “technically open if you squint” over the past several weeks. Energy analysts noted that oil markets tend to react poorly to active military conflict in one of the world’s most critical shipping lanes, a dynamic that economists say they were “keeping a close eye on” and “definitely saw coming.”
On CNBC, a parade of fund managers appeared throughout the afternoon to explain why the market decline was actually good news, each one slightly sweatier than the last. By 3pm, one strategist had abandoned metaphors entirely and simply held up a sign reading “PLEASE BUY SOMETHING.”
“There’s absolutely no reason to panic,” said an unnamed Goldman Sachs analyst, who sources confirm was simultaneously on hold with his real estate agent about relisting his third vacation home. “This is a normal market cycle. We’ve seen this before. Totally normal. Are you buying? You should be buying.”
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