In a discovery that has left geologists baffled and commuters ecstatic, a secret underground tunnel system has been found connecting Melbourne directly to Tasmania. Forget the Spirit of Tasmania ferry – now you can literally walk (or crawl) your way to the Apple Isle!
The tunnel, which begins in the basement of a Flinders Street Station doughnut shop and emerges in a Hobart cheese cellar, was reportedly discovered by a lost Uber Eats driver trying to deliver a souvlaki to Battery Point.
“I just kept following the GPS,” said confused delivery driver Barry O’Really. “Next thing I know, I’m handing a slightly cold gyros to a very surprised Tasmanian who kept asking if I’d taken the new underwater hyperloop.”
Geologists are calling it the “Bass Strait Bypass” and estimate it was formed approximately “sometime between the last ice age and when Myki cards were introduced.” The tunnel features surprising amenities including:
- Natural glow-worm lighting (energy efficient!)
- Several “resting caves” with surprisingly comfortable moss
- An underground stream that tastes “kinda like Melbourne tap water but with more mystery”
- Ancient Aboriginal rock art depicting what appears to be a Tasmanian tiger waiting for a tram
Tourism Tasmania has already begun marketing the experience as “The Great Underground Trek” with packages starting at $499 for the “Deluxe Crawl” (includes headlamp and complimentary packet of Tim Tams for energy).
“We’re thrilled to offer this alternative to sea travel,” said Tourism Tasmania spokesperson Penny Drops. “No more seasickness, just good old-fashioned claustrophobia and the occasional confused wombat. Plus, you can literally say you went ‘down under’ to get to Tasmania!”
Early reviews have been mixed. One adventurer reported: “The journey took 3 days, 7 hours, and 42 minutes. My phone died after the first hour, but the glow-worms were nice. Would recommend bringing snacks and maybe a small tent.”
Meanwhile, the Spirit of Tasmania ferry company has released a statement saying they’re “monitoring the situation” and considering offering “Tunnel vs Ferry” combo packages for the truly adventurous.
FAQs About the Melbourne-Tasmania Tunnel:
- Is it safe? As safe as any 300km underground passage discovered by a souvlaki delivery guy can be.
- Will there be Wi-Fi? Surprisingly, yes – but only in certain “hot spots” near thermal vents.
- Can I bring my car? Technically yes, but you’ll have to disassemble it and reassemble it at the other end. Not recommended for IKEA furniture assemblers.
- Are there toilets? There are several “designated stalagmite areas” – use your imagination.
The Victorian and Tasmanian governments are currently in talks about installing turnstiles, Myki readers, and possibly a small underground coffee cart halfway through. Until then, adventurers are advised to bring:
- A good torch (the glow-worms get jealous if you use your phone)
- Comfortable shoes (it’s a long walk)
- A sense of humor (essential for when you realize you forgot the Tim Tams)
- A signed waiver (this is Australia – everything requires a waiver)
So next time you’re planning a trip to Tasmania, ask yourself: Do you want a boring old ferry ride, or do you want to become a literal underground legend? The choice is yours!
Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire. Please do not attempt to find or use any secret tunnels between Melbourne and Tasmania. If you do happen to find one, please contact your local tourism board immediately – they’ll want to monetize it.
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