Trump Announces Plan to Reopen Alcatraz, Promises to Make It ‘The Ritz of Prisons’

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — President Donald Trump has announced his latest plan: reopening the historic Alcatraz Prison. Standing aboard a yacht near the island, he declared, “We’re turning Alcatraz into the **greatest, most luxurious correctional facility ever. Believe me.”

A Prison Like No Other

Trump promised more than just a prison. “This won’t be your average jail,” he explained. “We’re creating a five-star prison resort. Inmates will live better than ever. We’ll add golf simulators, gold-plated cell bars, and a maximum-security spa. It’ll be spectacular.”

In addition, reporters pressed Trump about who would be housed at the new facility. He grinned. “We’ll fill it with the usual suspects,” he said. “Fake news reporters. Political enemies. People who criticize my hair. Very bad people. We’re keeping the guest list flexible.”

Funding the Dream

However, critics quickly raised concerns about the project’s cost and legality. Trump dismissed them. “It’ll pay for itself,” he insisted. “We’ll sell tickets. People love watching prisoners. It’s like a zoo, but more exciting. Imagine the tours! Entertainment and punishment, all in one. Tremendous idea.”

To promote his plan, Trump offered a few slogans:

“Alcatraz 2.0: Lock ’Em Up in Style”
“Come for the crime, stay for the cuisine”
“A prison so classy, you’ll commit a felony just to get in.”

A New Kind of Tourist Attraction

Meanwhile, tourism officials reminded Trump that Alcatraz has already been a museum for decades. He didn’t miss a beat. “We’re keeping the tours,” he clarified. “But now, tourists get a live show. They can see inmates in action. It’s interactive. It’s educational. It’s like Disneyland—except with criminals, not cartoon mice.”

At the end of the press conference, Trump boarded a jet ski alongside his legal team. According to reports, he headed toward Angel Island to scout “future expansion opportunities.”