In a shocking breakthrough for the fitness world, scientists have discovered that frantically running late for things burns more calories than jogging at the gym.
Dubbed “Paniccercise” by researchers at the Institute of Accidental Cardio, the trend is sweeping the nation as chronically late people finally get recognition for their chaotic lifestyles.
“Look, I’ve been sprinting to buses, meetings, and family dinners for years,” said early adopter Jasmine Procrastina. “I didn’t realize I was an elite athlete this whole time.”
According to the study, an average adult burns:
🏃♂️ 150 calories dodging coworkers while speed-walking to a meeting they’re 12 minutes late for
🏃♀️ 200 calories doing the ‘frantic pat-down’ searching for keys, phone, wallet
🏃 300 calories sprinting to catch a train, only to watch it leave as they scream in slow motion
Lead researcher Dr. Al Beback explains:
“Paniccercise taps into your body’s fight-or-flight response—mostly flight. It’s like HIIT training, but the ‘high intensity’ is social embarrassment.”
Fitness influencers have already jumped on board. TikTok user @RunningOnPanic posted a viral video of herself doing the signature moves:
✅ Spilling coffee while fumbling with bags
✅ Trying to text “I’m 5 minutes away” while zipping up pants
✅ Throwing on deodorant mid-run
Health experts warn, however, that Paniccercise is not sustainable. “Eventually, you’ll either burn out—or arrive on time. And then what?” said Dr. Pritchard. “No one wants to be early. That’s just awkward.”
Meanwhile, gyms are scrambling to catch up, with new “Latecomer Classes” featuring simulated alarms, chaotic obstacle courses, and instructors shouting, “WHERE WERE YOU?!”
In unrelated news, sales of alarm clocks are mysteriously declining.
👉 For more fitness tips you’ll never follow, stay tuned to Globe News Daily.
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