BOLIVIA – Scientists are scratching their heads (and nervously packing their bags) as Uturuncu, a Bolivian volcano previously thought to be dead for 250,000 years, appears to have woken up—and it’s not happy.
“We’re seeing a very unusual pattern,” said Dr. Lava Goodtime from the University of Oxford. “The ground is rising in the middle and sinking around the edges, creating a kind of volcanic sombrero. It’s like the Earth itself is throwing a hat party… and forgot to invite us.”
Locals have dubbed the awakening giant a “zombie volcano”, after it reportedly groaned audibly last Thursday night. Witnesses claim the rumbling sounded suspiciously like “BRAAAIIINS” — though geologists insist it was “just tectonic pressure.”
🚨 Scientists warn that an eruption could cover nearby towns in lava, ash, and unsolicited vacation photos from adventurous influencers who will absolutely try to take selfies in front of the erupting crater.
Adding to the drama, satellite imagery has revealed mysterious gas plumes spelling out what some experts believe is an ancient message. “We’re still deciphering it,” said Professor Matthew Pritchard. “Early translations suggest it says either ‘FEED ME’ or ‘DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT.’ Both are equally concerning.”
Meanwhile, travel bloggers are flocking to the site. “We’re gonna get SO many likes,” said @VolcanoBae, posing atop a lava warning sign. “We’ve already got a brand deal for magma-resistant swimsuits.”
Governments of Bolivia, Chile, and Argentina are preparing for the worst, issuing advisories to stock up on face masks—not for ash, but to filter out the smell of panic sweat from volcanologists.
Despite the ominous signs, some remain optimistic. “At least Uturuncu is located halfway between La Paz and Santiago,” said one official. “If it erupts, we’ll finally have an excuse to cancel that terrible regional soccer match everyone pretends to care about.”
🌋 Scientists continue monitoring Uturuncu closely, though some admit they’re mostly Googling ‘how to stop a volcano’ and ‘volcano priest job openings.’
As for the volcano? It’s been eerily quiet since this morning. But according to seismographs, it might just be… stretching.
👉 Stay tuned as we follow this hot story—literally.
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